Just because you aren’t eating gluten (for whatever reason – I’m not here to judge), doesn’t mean you don’t still occasionally crave a store-bought chocolate chip cookie, a la Keebler’s Soft Batch or Pepperidge Farm’s Soft Baked.

I was in just such a position recently [ed. note: “recently” here means “almost one year ago”], but did not have access to the far-and-away, hands-down best imitation of the genre, Udi’s Soft & Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies.

So I did what any self-respecting, non-gluten-eating blogger would do: I bought one of every single other brand of chocolate chip cookie I could find and did a taste test! I was aided in this endeavor by my husband Joel, who is a good control because he CAN eat gluten, but still find’s Udi’s Soft & Chewy cookies pretty delish.

The Results

In alphabetical order, just to make sure you’re paying attention.

What the package says:
Aleia’s Love of Artisan Food
A proper good chocolate chip cookie deserves to be gluten free

What we thought:
Smell: Chemical-sweet
Texture: Crispy and crumbly
Taste: Chalky, ineffably chemical

“It doesn’t taste chemical-like in a preservative way, but more like someone tried to manufacture a thermometer and ended up with a gluten-free cookie by accident.” – Joel

What the package says:
Bart & Judy’s
The Best Gluten-Free Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World!^tm
with imported belgian chocolate
Little bites of happiness!^tm

What we thought:
Smell: In the general vicinity of what they should smell like
Texture: Crispy, and not totally unlike the cereal Cookie Crisp
Taste: Pretty good! Buttery.

What the package says:
Enjoy Life
Crunchy Chocolate Chip Handcrafted Cookies
Great tasting & all natural!

What we thought:
Smell: Pretty good
Texture: Crispy
Taste: Not bad overall, though Joel did detect a “moth-ball-like aftertaste”

What the package says:
Gilbert’s Gourmet Goodies
Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

What we thought:
Smell: ?
Texture: NOT chewy! In fact, crumbly
Taste: Unnatural; not at all sweet

What the package says:
ginny bakes
fresh baked organic gluten-free chocolate chip love
outrageously delicious cookies baked with love and passion

What we thought:
Smell: Okay, but not really like a cookie
Texture: Crispy but also sandy-ish, more of a crisp
Taste: Mild flavor, reminiscent of toffee

What the package says:
Lucky Spoon Bakery
Freshly Made
Chocolaty Chip Cookies

What we thought:
Smell: Like oatmeal raisin
Texture: Fine; soft, thin cookie
Taste: Evil butter; best approximation of a cookie available through science

What the package says:
Lucy’s Chocolate Chip

What we thought:
Smell: Granola; nothing
Texture: Very crispy; oily after-texture
Taste: None

What the package says:
MI-DEL
All Natural Chocolate Chip Cookies

What we thought:
Smell: Like a cookie
Texture: Kind of crispy AND crumbly AND soft; lacking textural identity
Taste: Nothing; “choco chips in substrate”

What the package says:
Montana’s Choco Chip Cookies by Kinnikinnick Foods
“Gluten Free has never tasted so good.”

What we thought:
Smell: Promising
Texture: Crispy
Taste: Not bad. Not amazing, but totally acceptable.

What the package says:
Pamela’s Chunky Chocolate Chip
“Exceptionally good cookies”

What we thought:
Smell: Laboratory
Texture: Crumbly; almost sandy
Taste: Nearly unpalatable

What the package says:
Tru Roots Qookies
Rich Chocolate Chip

What we thought:
Smell: Some horrible medicine; sum of all alternative diet foods together
Texture: Crumbly
Taste: Unambiguously the worst; dry wall

What the package says:
Wow Chocolate Chips
“Moist chewy delicious”

What we thought:
Smell: Chemical
Texture: Unearthly; nearly plasmal
Taste: Like it smells

To sum up: Just eat Udi’s Soft & Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies if at all possible.